Now that we have your attention – because who can ignore tacos? – We’d like to talk about hemorrhoids, the ass-destroyer ailment that we either joke about or suffer in silence with.
I don’t know how many times I’ve reminded you what they are (I, for one, NEVER forget). They’re certainly not miss-able if you happen to be a rigorous wincing wiper. They’re agonizing little bleedin’ pillocks, overtly attached to your derriere from a lack of healthy privy-time habits, bad diet, poop-blasting & yeah, “genetics”!
But lookie here – among the plentiful OTC rack & home remedies which abound, we have a simple palliative solution to your – ehm – painful exit. It’s probin’ time, folks & I’m serious. Here’s not just another ‘yo mama’ home remedy for external hemorrhoids; it’s the light at the end of the tunnel!
Epsom Salts – The Triple Rectal Respite Recipe
You’re going to need:
- Rrhoid Rage Bath Salts
- A Sitz bath, a tub, or a bath – whatever accommodates Uranus.
- Vegetable Glycerin
- Gloves & super soft towels for They/Them Privates!
- Essential Oils
Okay, so being such a visually unaesthetic condition, it’s best you don’t try this out in a bathing suit in your backyard tub (think of the children!). Get to your bathroom, preferably strip and wash your perineum with plain water to rid of any skid mark leftovers.
1. The Respite Rissoto:
If you have a sitz bath, good. If you don’t, get a tub or get in the bath. Fill up the tub with warm water. It should be enough to allow your buttocks to submerse the ‘submersibles’ without scalding the payload. Follow the Rrhoid Rage Bath Salts’ packaging preparation instructions.
Get in the tub and let the inflamed buns soak for a good 10-20 minutes. Then you can get up, pat dry, and resume your day!
2. The Rrhoid Rub
This one is quite soothing if you’ve ever had to deal with hemorrhoids as grand as mine. You need some good ol’ vegetable glycerin & Rrhoid Rage’s Bath Salts – mix two tablespoons of each in a bowl and coat your jewels like a mud mask at a spa.
Keep a sterile gauze in between them clappers to cover the inflamed abyss and put your pants back on.
Walk around, find out!
3. The Scented Turkey
If you really want to feel like a Thanksgiving casserole, you can do the Stitz bath routine all over again and add half a cup of vegetable glycerin, plus a few drops of whatever essential oil aligns with your zodiac for that day. Rest assured, you will get up feeling much more energized & ass-cstatic!
Oh yeah, before I forget!
Avoid ass-prin or any pain-relieving medication when your rrhoids are at their worst. These drugs are anticoagulants – meaning, your loo-time can look like Django Unchained in the third act. You have to be a masochist to avoid dealing with what’s happening to you.
And, if the sh*t hits the fan, keep your GP in the loop & don’t hold back from a corrective surgical procedure. I got my cauliflower deflowered, and I’m happy like – well – I can poo right!
Rrhoid Rage is the brainchild of veteran humor & pain-in-the-tush solutions to bring relief to butt-hurt ass-pirants all across Dallas, TX. You’re welcome to browse our store for products you won’t loudly admit you need, but we got you covered!
While you’re looking for the Epsom salts, you can also try the ointment; it’s got balsam fir, which is an all-American bun-cooling classic. And if you got any great jokes on hemorrhoids to help sufferers come out of the closet, just check out our Instagram page & contribute to a cause!
That concludes my cooking show for today!