Hemorrhoids are a painful rectal condition that can plague anyone’s ass out of the blue without even the decency of medical or genetic reasoning. It’s that ridiculous & embarrassing an ailment that sufferers seldom brave to the ER unless they’re going anemic with anal blood loss.
Yeah, you read that right. Like a loo in a Quentin Tarantino film. Thanks to my cratered ass, that’s why Rrhoid Rage exists today!
What Are Hemorrhoids?
Of course, you all read the Mayo Clinic version, but I’ll tell you this, mere words can’t encapsulate hemorrhoids. They’re swollen veins that can either reside within your anus or prolapse like a forbidden fruit resonating agony, and you can never see raw steak the same way again. Folks had let themselves go as far as to cultivate cauliflower-sized rrhoids before they sought invasive procedures!
Symptoms & Diagnosis?
It starts with an itch in your neither region, & a constipating diet, that progressively worsens to rectal soreness, making turd birthing feel like a red cactus parade. You might feel violated, but a doctor, some lube, and an expert finger are the best ways to find internal hemorrhoids.
However, if you keep pushing too hard, pop goes the weas – I mean, hemorrhoid – It comes out and keeps growing like a painful, bloody sponge (or sponges!)
How To Treat Them?
I’ve got 4 guaranteed ways to treat hemorrhoids without going under the knife…
1. Hemorrhoid Ointment:
There is a myriad of OTC creams that I’ve personally tried but felt no relief, so I formulated a Hemorrhoid Ointment and struck gold. It’s a lidocaine-laden topical application that you gingerly dab on your embarrassing excuse of raw chicken livers, causing them to dry out & go away eventually.
2. Bath Salts:
Magnesium sulfate, or Epsom salts, are natural soothing agents for ass-relief and recommended after every dump you take (I’ll be watching you!). They’re dissolved in warm water, and you soak your itchy butt or hanging fruits to stimulate healing. Adding a sitz bath to your daily skincare routine would make your day!
3. Medical Wipes:
Infused with witch hazel & skin soothing medication, these wipes are easier on post-poop cleaning than tissue paper ever will be. Careful to avoid perfumed or alcohol wipes, or you risk seeing more stars than the Hubble & Chandra combined!
4. Fiber Gummies
Frequent constipation and hard stools can cause tears & hemorrhoid breeding conditions. The gummies help soften the stool & add body to your blockages for a seamless drop, minus the pain.
- The hemorrhoids are tied off like a toddler’s ponytail until they shrivel & drop. Rubber ligation, they call it!
- Another is topical salve-applications that contain lidocaine & corticosteroids that resolve blood cloths within the rrhoids and numb itchiness.
- There’s also one where the surgeon circumcises your backyard’s exit path, called a hemorrhoidectomy, in the event other treatments are just not working. It’s painful but lemon-worthy effective when all hope is lost; take it from me!
- Never try any half-assed home remedy unless you have your allergies diagnosed!
Do I Need a Dietary Change?
Damn right, you do! Have you even been listening?
Incorporating a balanced amount of fiber in your diet ensures your food processor has something to churn and clean out without clawing out your bunghole. Lifestyle & dietary changes are the first things rrhoid raggers do to tame the hung beasts in their privy-spot. And it works; the rrhoids dissipate in a matter of weeks!
Do yourself a favor; if you experience a nasty case of ass-pain & ‘hung encounters of the rrhoid kind’, or you know someone who isn’t walking right, get our Rrhoid Rage for Assholes Kit and be charitable to your butties!
Everything’s FDA-legit in our store, with guaranteed results in a short time, provided you use the products as instructed and make dietary changes. Rrhoid Rage is active in Austin, Dallas & Fort Worth Area, TX, but we’ll freely ship the goods nationwide, across the USA.
P.S. Your butt sprouting ketchup doesn’t always bode well, so keep your GP in the loop at all times. It could be something sinister!